


As the Game Changes

by SilkenFerocity



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-01
Updated: 2019-01-04
Packaged: 2019-10-02 09:19:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17261633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilkenFerocity/pseuds/SilkenFerocity
Summary: This is all meant to fit in between the Arrival DLC and the start of ME3.





	1. Halted

**Author's Note:**

> Notes about me: I try to stay pretty close to canon in most of my works. It's intended to just be extra dialogue that may have happened between everything we see in the canon stuff. My Shepard's pretty much pure Paragon and my Garrus is rather nurturing at times (which I think actually fits in what we know about him from canon pretty well, but I can defend that case some other time). This makes for really good fluffy conversations. :P

Garrus didn't like it. At all.  
A solo mission?  
Shepard was skilled, yes. Probably the most capable in the galaxy. But she was used to having her team. What if she forgot she didn't have someone watching her flank? What if there were one enemy too many? He didn't care if it was confidential and direct from Admiral Hackett, it felt wrong for him to not be doing what he does best, which is watch her back...  
It wasn't like him to worry so obsessively. Yet there he was.

  
Before she left he tried to pretend he had no problem with it, but Shepard knew better. She saw through it.  
"Just air it out," she had said. "Let it get through your system."  
Garrus practically gave a speech. To his relief, Shepard wasn't offended by his concerns. She didn't say it, but he thought she felt it was "cute". That almost made it worse. She promised to be the most vigilant she'd ever been, and he promised to be there the moment she returned to serve however he could.  
His words couldn't change the outcome, she still left alone, but he did feel better having said it... until days went by with no word from her.  
He was about ready to go pick a fight with Grunt just to give himself something else to focus on.

  
And then it happened. The Normandy suddenly lurched to life and Garrus knew it must be an emergency pick up. He didn't have any way to see outside in the main battery, but he did have security cam feeds.  
He released a breath he didn't know he'd been holding when Shepard jumped into the Normandy on the bridge docking entrance. She went to the cockpit and Garrus felt the Normandy make it's escape, though from what, he didn't know. They hit a mass relay and then things seemed to calm down.  
As Shepard headed for the elevator, he did too, hoping he could catch her on the way down to drop off her armor at the equipping station in the hangar. He timed it just right and the elevator doors opened to receive him with Shepard still inside.

  
He'd seen her return with armor cracked, scorched, blood matted in her beautiful hair... most of those times he had been escorting her to the med bay himself.  
This was worse.  
Her helmet was already off, hair disheveled, but all the rest of her armor appeared to have no new major damage.  
But her expression told him something was terribly wrong and time seemed to slow down when he saw it. She was attempting to hold back pain of an entirely different nature, and failing in a way he hadn't seen before. Her eyes were watering, her lips betrayed the beginning of a scowl. He noticed it elsewhere, too, in her clenched fists and posture that was perhaps a little too tall. Something was burning inside her.  
He didn't know it then, but would later find out it was 300,000 batarian lives that didn't exist anymore. 

  
He couldn't help drawing in a sharp breath in shock and in that instant her expression changed.  
Immediately her pain was gone; no, not gone, but hidden. Garrus called it her business face. It showed up on the rare occasion that she had to put her rank, her mission, her duty above all else. It meant "not now". She stared straight ahead as he joined her in the elevator.  
He felt stupid for asking, knowing this was the worst thing to do, but couldn't help himself. "How'd it go?"  
"The mission is confidential and I haven't been debriefed," Shepard replied, and Garrus could tell she was working hard to control her tone. He felt lucky she didn't punch him.

  
The elevator door opened again and Shepard marched forward to the lockers and began removing her equipment. She was careful with her weapons but by the time she was removing her armor she was practically throwing it into the locker. Garrus watched helplessly, keeping a good distance for now.  
When she finished, she sat down on the floor, back against the wall, and used her omni-tool to set up a comm. She used her earpiece so Garrus only heard her half of the conversation. Since it was only audio, she leaned her head back against the wall and closed her eyes.  
"Admiral Hackett, Commander Shepard reporting. I've returned to the Normandy. ...Yes, sir, I do know about that..." She was working hard to keep her tone professional, but it faltered, hints of weakness slipping in. "I think it would be wise for me to visit the med bay first, sir, as a precaution. I will be ready for a report as soon as I'm done there. ...Ah, yes, sir. I'll have one of my men meet you."

  
As the call ended, Shepard curled her knees up and covered her eyes with one hand. Soon she started to tremble and Garrus couldn't take it anymore and asked another stupid question.  
"What can I do, Shepard?"  
Shepard let out a few shaky breaths before she answered.  
"You can escort me to the med bay. Then you are to go to the bridge and await Admiral Hackett. When he's aboard you'll escort him to the med bay, then back to the bridge after my debriefing."  
"Yes, Commander." Part of Garrus was happy to have an assignment, even if it wasn't what he hoped to be doing at the time. He approached her now and extended a hand to where she sat on the floor.

  
Without meeting his gaze she took his hand and glided up to her feet. For just a moment she stood close, her other hand on his arm to steady herself, and it seemed to Garrus that she wished she could rest against him... but she didn't. She disconnected and walked towards the elevator, him keeping close at her side.  
They rode in silence. When the elevator stopped on the crew deck, Shepard's knees nearly gave out and Garrus reached out to brace her.  
"Thanks," Shepard murmured, taking a deep breath as she once more stood tall and walked towards the med bay. Garrus stopped just outside the door, watching briefly as Dr. Chakwas invited Shepard to take a seat. The Commander didn't meet his eyes again before the door slid closed.  
Garrus knew it wasn't personal. He didn't feel hurt by Shepard. But he ached to be able to do something to fix it, or to at least let her share with him. He walked back to the elevator, cursing in frustration, wondering what the hell happened out there.  
  
*****  
  
It was barely a half hour before the Normandy arrived at the rendezvous location and a very official shuttle docked at the bridge entrance. Garrus had taken the time to compose himself and was ready to play the part of glorified usher.  
The internal doors opened, revealing Admiral Hackett, and Garrus immediately greeted him.  
"Admiral Hackett, I'm Garrus Vakarian. I'm to escort you to the Commander," he said, squaring his shoulders and offering a deep, respectful nod. He obviously wasn't Alliance, and technically neither was the ship, but Garrus had enough military in him to be on some form of protocol. He had done some research on Hackett after hearing Shepard mention him for various other missions. He had no reason to dislike the guy.

  
"Lead the way," Hackett replied, and Garrus obliged. Some of the Cerberus crew turned and stared at the official, some with respect, others veiled disdain. Some seemed to hide their faces in embarrassment. Hackett paid them no mind, eyes focused only ahead.  
"I admit I know close to nothing about who Shepard flies with these days," Hackett suddenly spoke as they neared the elevator, "...but you were with her for the battle on the Citadel, weren't you?" Garrus was quite surprised he took note of that.  
"Ah, yes sir," he confirmed. "I was there from the day she became a Spectre."  
"You've got a lot of commitment," Hackett commented, glancing at Garrus as they entered the elevator. "Especially after her two year hiatus."  
"She's earned it, sir," Garrus said simply and earnestly. Hackett gave a satisfied "hmph".  
"Indeed she has."

  
The elevator opened on the crew deck and Garrus turned the corner, gesturing to the med bay doors.  
"Here we are, sir."  
Hackett gave him a small nod and stepped forward. The doors opened and he briefly acknowledged Chakwas, but Garrus was fixed on Shepard. She was focusing hard on a data pad in front of her. That was all he saw before the doors closed and he realized Chakwas was approaching him. She gestured for him to follow her back towards the elevator.  
"Her medical debrief went well, and you have got to stop fussing," she scolded him in hushed tones once they were in the hallway.  
"I'm not fussing," Garrus insisted, mandibles twitching in offense.  
"You're only offended by that because it's true," she stated, jabbing him in the chest with a finger. Garrus rubbed the back of his neck, flustered.  
"What am I supposed to do, Chakwas? What I'm good at is having Shepard's back, and I don't even know what's happening right now," he hissed.  
"Everyone aboard the ship is good at supporting Shepard in some way or another, Garrus. She doesn't need your aim or your flirting right now." His mandibles twitched again but Chakwas ignored it. "She needs your level head. So get it back on straight," she told him. Garrus sighed and nodded, acknowledging the sound advice. Chakwas smiled and patted his shoulder. "But give her time. She needs her own air space first."

  
With that, Chakwas left his side and went into the lounge to relax for a bit. Garrus paced the hallway for a few more minutes before Admiral Hackett exited the med bay. He approached Garrus at the elevator and they stepped inside together.  
"Are there any other turians on this ship?" Hackett asked suddenly as they reached the bridge.  
"Er, no sir. We have a handful of non-humans but I'm the only turian," Garrus informed him. He could feel Hackett's gaze as he stepped out of the elevator.  
"Tell me... are the Reapers on the turian's radar?"  
"Ah... not as much as Shepard or I would prefer, which is true of all species, sir." Garrus glanced at the Admiral and spoke quietly as they made their way to the airlock. "Councilor Sparatus, of course, has been aware of much of Shepard's mission when we were dealing with Saren and Sovereign... but as for whether he still puts stock in the idea of an eventual war, or whether the Primarch has even considered it, I would say it's not likely to be on the forefront of their minds." Garrus was frowning and Hackett nodded in understanding.

  
"Well..." He held out his hand and Garrus shook it. The Admiral looked him straight in the eye. "Make sure you do something about that," he said, not letting go until Garrus replied.  
"Erm... yes, sir..." He wasn't even sure exactly what the Admiral meant. What could he do that Shepard hadn't already tried to get people to pay attention?  
Hackett nodded, seeming satisfied, and bid Garrus farewell with "Godspeed, Vakarian."  
"To you as well," he replied, and watched the Admiral disembark.

  
Before Garrus stepped away, he got distracted by Joker cursing loudly.  
"Are you serious EDI?" the pilot asked incredulously.  
"What's happening?" Garrus asked, stepping into the cockpit. "Do you need me to relay anything to the Commander?"  
"I think she already knows," Joker replied, his tone a mix of amazement and dubiousness.  
"The Viper Nebula mass relay has been destroyed," EDI informed Garrus.  
"Destroyed?" Garrus repeated, eyes opening wide.  
"Yes. Across all documented history, the destruction of a mass relay has never before occurred."  
"Well, making history is what we do best here aboard the Normandy," Joker replied half-heartedly.  
"EDI, I don't suppose the mass relay just fizzled out quietly," Garrus grumbled, beginning to feel unease in his stomach.  
"No. It had an effect similar to a supernova. It appears caught in the blast was Aratoht, which hosted a batarian colony with an estimated population of approximately 300,000--"

  
Both Joker and Garrus cursed, the turian immediately turning around and making a beeline for the elevator, his mind racing.  
Suddenly it made sense. No wonder Shepard had been "off". Who wouldn't be? What had happened out there to get the stakes so high?  
He fidgeted for the whole elevator ride then darted out and towards the med bay. Thinking better of it, he went into the main area instead and glanced through the med bay windows as casually as he could.  
Shepard was no longer in there, but Chakwas was, already meeting his gaze and gesturing with her hands for him to relax.  
Garrus just huffed and trudged back to the battery. Right. Give her time. As soon as he stepped back in, he knew he couldn't stay there either. He changed his clothes and sent a comm to port cargo.  
"Grunt, you up for some hand-to-hand practice?" he asked, his voice rougher than intended.  
"I just ate. I'm going to take a nap," came the reply. Garrus blinked.  
"...are you serious?" he asked.  
"No. I'll race you to the hangar."  
Garrus was already in the hallway.  
  
*****  
  
A couple hours later Garrus returned to the battery, more than a little sore. The physical activity though had helped him a lot. He checked his comm. No messages. He sighed.  
"EDI, how long has Shepard been in her cabin?" he asked, his voice gruff. He didn't know if Shepard was aware that he sometimes checked in on her this way, but he didn't care. He utilized the privilege wisely.  
"Approximately one hour and forty-two minutes," the AI informed him.  
He leaned heavy on the desk and sent a comm up to Shepard's cabin.

  
"Shepard, you're not alone anymore. Let me know if you need anything. I'd be happy to bring you up some snacks from the mess. Just... let me know." He hoped he sounded normal. Not exhausted from worry or anxious like he felt.  
There was silence long enough for him to step away from the console and collapse onto his cot, closing his eyes. He inhaled and exhaled 5 times before a reply finally came, timid and tired.  
"Can you bring me some hot chocolate and one of those bran loafs?"  
Garrus was up in an instant and at the comm. "Right away, Shepard."  
  
*****  
  
Shepard laid perpendicularly at the foot of her bed in plain gray lounge clothes. She'd been cycling for hours, over-analyzing the past, imagining the future, examining her emotions, beating them into submission, attempting to clear her mind, and starting all over again. She couldn't recall the last time she was this exhausted.  
The door to her cabin opened and Garrus stepped in. He was in all black stretch clothes and not wearing his visor. She caught a glimpse of his concerned expression and looked away, down at the blanket in front of her instead. He passed by, placed the snacks on the nightstand, then sat down on the corner of the bed. For a moment, neither of them spoke.

  
"You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to, Shepard," Garrus began softly. "But I'm sure you know I have to ask... are you okay?"  
She didn't reply right away and soon felt Garrus brushing her hair back and gently stroking her shoulder. She relaxed slightly under his touch.  
"I don't know, Garrus," she murmured. "I never knew so much could change so fast," she continued, picking up speed and volume. "And I SHOULD have known it could, I mean, I died, but I'm just one person and a LOT more is going to change and there's nothing anyone can--" she cut herself off with a frustrated groan and slammed her fist down into the bed in front of her, squeezing her eyes shut. She hated how pathetic she sounded. There was silence again but Garrus didn't stop rubbing her shoulder.  
"When was the last time you ate?" Garrus asked gently, to his credit seeming unbothered.  
"...I don't remember," Shepard answered honestly.  
"Why don't we make that a priority then?" Garrus suggested. "You wanted hot chocolate, not warm chocolate, after all."  
Shepard sighed heavily and pushed herself up. Garrus took up position reclining against the headboard and invited Shepard to sit under his arm. She obliged and he handed her the refreshments. He didn't say anything as she began to take small bites and sips, just kept his arm secure over her shoulders.

  
"...you smell like a krogan," Shepard mumbled, managing to bring a bit of mirth to her tone.  
"Hm? Er, ah..." Garrus completely lost his composure, clearing his throat and rubbing the back of his neck. "I may have skipped a shower after a recent sparring session with Grunt. I can go change, if you'd like," he offered, glancing down at her. Shepard could tell he would rather stay.  
"No, it's okay," she said, smiling a little. She loved watching him be flustered. Garrus settled back in and let her eat in silence. After she finished the bran loaf he asked, "What's the next priority for you?"  
"...I need some water," she replied. "There's extra bottles in the storage under the couch."  
"Coming right up."  
Garrus eased himself off the bed and went to retrieve a bottle. Shepard watched him and finished her hot chocolate, setting the empty cup on her nightstand. When Garrus returned, she moved back so that they could sit on the bed across from each other.

  
"I don't want to tell you what happened," she said, her tone and eyes suddenly steel. For a moment Garrus appeared unsure but she pushed ahead. "I don't want to tell anyone. If I could I would stop thinking about it forever. But I need to tell you what happened. And I need to tell the rest of the crew. And pretty soon I need to tell the Alliance board, and after that the Council, and I know someday a reporter is going to get the chance to ask me about it and then I'll be telling the entire universe."  
At some point during her explanation she had gotten up and started pacing at the edge of the bed. She met Garrus's eyes and realized he saw everything she had been trying to ignore. Her shaking hands, her quivering voice, her clenched jaw. His eyes showed how badly he wanted to just smooth her out with his hands but she wasn't ready for that yet, and he knew, and he was worried too.

  
"Will you help me figure it out?" she asked, and too much desperation seeped into her tone as she choked back emotion. Garrus caught that, too. In one smooth motion he closed the gap between them, gently placing one arm around her shoulders and the other against her face. Shepard easily curled into his chest. She always forgot how tall he was until she found herself there. After a few breaths, Garrus pulled back enough for their foreheads to rest together.  
"Shepard, I know there's a lot of pressure you have that no one else on the crew has, and that is the added job of being expected to talk about what we see and go through in front of a sometimes unforgiving audience," he said softly. "But right now is not that time. Remember what you said to me before you left? Get it out of my system?"  
Shepard choked out a laugh and nodded. She had never seen him so uncomposed before, and now the roles were reversed.  
"This is your chance to do that. You can be sloppy, and shaky, and unrefined, and even offensive if you need to. I promise I'm a very forgiving audience." He lifted his head and smirked a little. "When you're done, then you can figure out what parts are most important for the crew to know, for the Alliance to know, for the Council to know, and for the whole universe to know."

  
Shepard took a deep breath and nodded. "I can do that," she said. "I can do that." She heard parts of her confidence back in her tone. She felt it, too.  
"That's my girl," Garrus purred. He gave her shoulders a squeeze and stepped back, returning to the edge of the bed and taking a seat. He picked up the water bottle he'd retrieved earlier and offered it to her.  
"Ready when you are, Shepard."  
Shepard took the water and drank a couple big gulps before tossing it back onto the bed in front of her.  
"No. No one is ready."


	2. Ready, Break

Shepard reiterated the entire mission, start to finish. From discovering the Reapers may be 2 days away, then being incapacitated, down to the fate of over 300,000 batarian lives. Garrus listened quietly and intently and frowned deeply at times, but kept his thoughts to himself for the time being.  
Shepard had been all over the place as she spoke, pacing, sitting, pacing again, sitting somewhere else. She'd settled on the floor, leaning against the bed with her back to Garrus when she found she couldn't look him in the eye anymore. She was too busy processing her own emotions and couldn't handle trying to figure out his.  
"It's stupid but it feels like... the game just changed. 300,000 lives gone, just like that? And that's nothing compared to what will happen when the Reapers get here. I should've been prepared for these numbers of casualties. This is the game I've already been playing since I found the beacon on Eden Prime!" She rubbed at her forehead in disgust. "But I'm not prepared. Those numbers are bigger than I can fathom, Garrus. And the Reapers weren't even the ones making that decision, it was ME. How am I supposed to present myself as if I'm okay with that decision?"

  
Garrus finally spoke up, but opted for letting her keep her distance for now.  
"Shepard, it's not about being okay with the decision. It's about knowing it was the right one." She was silent so he continued softly, "You know as well as I do that the only way someone would have chosen to keep that relay intact is if they were indoctrinated. Hackett would've made the same call, I would've made the same call, anyone in their right mind would've made the same call. But not a single one of us would feel okay about it. You're allowed to defend the decision while also acknowledging that you feel awful about it."  
"...what if it had been the Local Cluster and there were no Alliance headquarters for Hackett to call me back to?" Shepard said, sniffling. "What if it had been Trebia and Palaven?"  
"Spirits, Palaven!" Garrus suddenly exclaimed breathlessly. He now stood up and walked across the room, his hands clenching and rubbing together. Shepard wasn't sure exactly what had alarmed him but she truly didn't have it in her to ask.  
After a moment Garrus remembered where he was and turned back to face her.  
"I'm sorry, I was just making sense of something Admiral Hackett told me," he mumbled, rubbing the back of his neck. Shepard's brows furrowed and she sat still as Garrus knelt down in front of her.

  
"I'll explain later," he said, then took her hand and locked eyes with her. "Let me tell you two things about turians. Firstly, of all the races, I guarantee that the turians would be the most understanding if the delaying of the Reapers had required the deaths of 300,000 of them. War is in our blood, in our culture. That being said, I'm awfully glad that we didn't lose 300,000 turians before this war, because we are going to need them." Garrus's voice lowered as he continued.  
"Secondly, we are also the most practiced in decisions that we choose to make and later defend, and yet are simultaneously disgusted by in some dark corner of our soul that nobody talks about. The genophage taught us that."  
"When the Reapers are here, is that all the rest of this war is going to be, Garrus?" Shepard asked. "Making more choices that I simultaneously defend and despise while millions more lives are lost?" Garrus's eyes softened but he still held her gaze.  
"...I dont know," he answered honestly. "But I do know you can't afford to keep seeing it as you versus the Reapers."

  
"I don't know of anyone else doing something about it, or communicating with them directly. They were in my head, Garrus."  
"Others will be doing something about it soon enough. I'm sure of it. And... maybe we could find other things to fill your head with?" Shepard caught his brief smirk and smiled half-heartedly. Garrus continued on, taking away the pressure for her to reply.  
"Take another lesson from the turians," he began, serious once more. "You will never be in more than one place, on more than one battlefield, in more than one moment. I know you defied the odds by coming back to life but I'm pretty sure there's still only one of you. You will drive yourself crazy in a matter of hours if you try and face more than just what is right in front of you. No matter what is happening out there, you will still need to eat, you will still need to sleep, you will still get to brush your wonderful hair now and then." Garrus gently placed a hand on the side of her head and Shepard leaned in to it, taking a deep breath and willing herself to get lost in the confidence she saw within his eyes.

As the moment drew on, a smile crept onto her face.  
"You know," she began with a shaky breath, "maybe the Universe, or Spirits, or karma, or whatever decided to make up for all this Reaper crap by putting you into my life."  
"And... is it working?" Garrus asked eagerly. Shepard's smile faded as she became thoughtful. She reached up and pulled Garrus's forehead down to meet hers.  
"This Reaper fight is going to get a whole lot worse," she said quietly. "But something tells me this is also going to get a whole lot better."  
In one powerful, swift movement Garrus swept Shepard into his arms and stood up, carrying her bridal style. She heard and felt a purr bursting from his chest. She laughed at his sudden elation.  
"You got that right," he declared proudly. "Being amazing, funny, smart, deadly, and sexy enough to balance out a war of this caliber will be quite a feat to pull off... but I'm up for the challenge. Especially if it gets you through." His grin was infectious and Shepard couldn't help herself.

  
"Well, considering this is the battle currently in front of me, I think I have an idea for your next move," she said, her grin turning into a sly smirk.  
"And what is that, Commander?" Garrus asked, exaggerating a dutiful tone.  
"How about we wash the krogan smell off of you?" Shepard suggested, tilting her head in the direction of her shower. Garrus's browplates and mandibles twitched with surprise and then excited intrigue.  
"Well, you are the battlefield expert," he replied, beginning to walk towards the shower, still carrying her. "It would be foolish of me not to follow your direction!"  
They both chuckled and he returned her to her feet just outside the bathroom. Shepard stepped in and Garrus followed, removing his top and saying, "Hey, you'll have to show me how that shampoo and conditioner stuff works."  
  
*****  
  
About an hour later, Shepard stepped out of the bathroom, back in lounge clothes and tussling her hair with a towel to encourage it to dry. She breathed in the crisp air, contrasting the humidity from the shower.  
"Crap," she heard Garrus grumble behind her.  
"Mm?" She turned back towards the bathroom, resting the towel on her shoulders.  
"Well... if I put these clothes back on, I'm just going to be all grimy again," Garrus explained, holding up his clothes from before and looking at them with disdain.  
"Oh," Shepard replied, but was somewhat amused he cared so much. "Well, here, how about this?" She walked over to him and wrapped her towel around his waist, showing him how to tuck it in to make it stay. "I think that will work," she muttered, observing the unusual sight.

  
"Interesting," Garrus commented. "Turians usually dry so fast, especially on Palaven, we don't even have towels. But I suppose they have more than just drying functionality." The corners of Shepard's lips twitched in amusement.  
"I don't think you'll want to return back to the crew deck like that, though..." she said with a giggle, walking back towards her bed.  
"No, I suppose then I'll have to put my dirty clothes back on after all," Garrus resigned, following her.  
"Well, I could always ask Miranda or someone to bring you up something to wear," Shepard said, stifling laughter at the thought.  
"Spirits, no!" Garrus replied, horrified. Shepard let out a laugh at that and collapsed onto her back on the bed, stretching and taking a deep breath. Garrus laid down on his side next to her, propping himself up on his elbow. Shepard felt him staring at her, and when she turned her head she could see he was thinking deeply.

  
"What is it?" she asked softly.  
"Nothing," he said, his eyes darting away. Shepard reached up and gently turned his head back towards hers.  
"I'm ready for it, it's okay," she assured him quietly. "What's on your mind?" Garrus studied her eyes for a moment, as if testing them for the preparedness she claimed to have. Finally he spoke up, his voice quiet and soft.  
"What is your next move, Shepard?"  
Regardless of the joking before, Shepard knew Garrus was being serious now. He wanted to know how her latest mission had changed her strategy. She took a deep breath, resting her hands on her stomach and finding a spot on the ceiling to stare at.

  
"I'll be turning myself, and my latest Intel on the Reapers, in at Alliance headquarters on Earth. I'll probably be temporarily suspended as they work things out. My Spectre status would technically still be intact even in the face of a court martial, but giving up a bit of freedom to comply will be worth it if I can get the Alliance to get organized and get moving." She sighed. "We've done a lot of good out here lately in various ways, but... it's time to rally the universe, not just Shepard and Squad."  
Garrus sat up, his back to her now, and rubbed the back of his neck.  
"Shepard, I... I have to go to Palaven. My dad has connections with the Primarch. Maybe I can have some of the same effect there. Get them organized, get moving... I don't want to leave the Normandy, but..."  
Shepard sat up too and rested her hand on his shoulder nearest her, then leaned into him.  
"It's okay, Garrus. I understand. The Alliance wouldn't know what to do with you anyway," she assured him. "Sometime soon I'll brief everyone, have Joker take us to the Citadel, and all those not wanting to stick around will be dismissed. They can find their way from there. It may just be me, Joker, and Chakwas rolling in but... I'm not going to get all the rest of you grounded too. There's... too much to be done."

  
Garrus nodded. "That's what Admiral Hackett said to me, you know... he asked what the turians were doing as far as the Reaper threat, and asked if any other turians were on your crew. He seemed to be implying the responsibility I had to represent you and your mission to the turian hierarchy. And he's right."  
"I haven't known him to be wrong," Shepard agreed quietly.  
"Spirits... after finding out you were alive again, taking that rocket on Omega and thinking I was dreaming when I woke up in the Normandy's med bay... I didn't think I'd ever be leaving the Normandy again," Garrus hissed. He turned and rested his face against the top of her head. "I didn't think I'd ever be leaving you, and whatever you happened to be up against."  
"It's like you said, we can't be in two places at once. And right now the most important battles for each of us are happening in different places. But we're still working together to save the galaxy," Shepard said, smiling a little as she finished. Garrus chuckled.  
"Heh. Just like old times."  
  
*****  
  
Shepard stood at the galaxy map and took a deep breath. She'd put on her dress blues and made sure her hair was in place. A memo had been sent out prior to all personnel telling them to listen up. EDI would be sending the address ship wide and also documenting a recording.  
Garrus had offered to be nearby as she gave it, but she assured him she'd be fine.  
"Normandy crew, this pertains to each and every one of you and will lead to a decision that will greatly effect your future, so it's important that you listen to this, no matter your station or rank.  
"You all know that our battles against the Collectors have actually been a war against a greater foe. That foe is the Reapers."  
She glanced at some of the faces around her as they grew unsure.  
"My latest mission was direct from Admiral Hackett of the Alliance and led me to discover just how urgent action preparing for the Reapers is. There was a lot that I learned, and... a lot that happened, but time is sensitive and I will keep it brief.  
There are only two things you really need to know...

  
The arrival of the Reapers cannot be delayed any longer. Their course is set."  
Those on the deck were now solemn and nervous, but kept their thoughts to themselves.  
"In the Viper Nebula I took the last action possible to delay them, and it worked, but at great cost. The mass relay has been destroyed and a colony of over 300,000 population was caught in the resulting energy blast." She looked down now, allowing her face to express some of the pain that decision brought to her.  
"What those two things mean is that I will be reporting to Alliance headquarters as they review my actions and, hopefully, begin some serious preparation efforts. I will likely be suspended and the Normandy, and all aboard, taken into Alliance custody.

  
"This is where you have a choice." She met the eyes of some of those around her.  
"The last and only stop before Earth will be the Citadel. If you choose, you may disembark there to go your own way. You will be completely released from duty and the Alliance will have much bigger priorities than attempting to locate you. I would invite those of you disembarking to connect and support each other. Some of you may be headed the same direction and can share transportation costs.  
"Your other option is to stay on the Normandy and accompany me. Some of you have a history with the Alliance, and all of you have skills they could use right now. It's possible that when I am back in action, you can continue on with me or in an equally favorable position. You need to know that while I will personally vouch for any and all of you that choose to stay, the decision may ultimately not be mine to make."  
There was a pause while Shepard pondered the crew now listening to her.

  
"I want all of you to know that you have each played an important part. We have saved a lot of lives and made a significant impact on those around us. I'm proud of this crew. I'm proud of the missions we've accomplished. I'm proud of you.  
"The mission is now changing for all of us.  
Whether you choose to put yourselves in the hands of the Alliance, or to disembark, know that things are going to be very different very soon. This is the time to make your action count. Maybe that means going home and hugging your family harder than you ever have before... Maybe that means getting to work harder than you ever have before.  
"Whatever it is, do it soon, and do it with everything you've got." Shepard's voice nearly broke and she took a moment to choke back her emotions.  
"If you plan to disembark, I recommend you begin gathering your things immediately. Our course is already set for the Citadel and we will be docking for only half a day. You need not report your choices to me. EDI will be preparing a new active roster listing only those who stay."

  
She took one more moment to make sure she had said what she needed to, and what she wanted to. Suddenly she was speaking from the heart.  
"Do not let fear paralyze you. Now is the time to live with more courage and heart than ever before.  
"Thank you. That is all."  
  
*****  
  
Once again in dress blues, Shepard approached the cockpit as Joker carefully docked the Normandy at the Citadel. She stopped behind the pilot's chair, observing. She had considered hiding in her cabin the entire time they were docked. The idea of watching everyone go and talking to so many sounded exhausting. But she needed to do better for her crew.  
"Hey, Commander," he greeted her.  
"Hey. You have any business on the Citadel?" she asked.  
"No. Well, I did order a couple things, but they'll be brought here so I don't have to go anywhere."  
"Mind if I sit up here with you while we're docked?"  
"Knock yourself out," Joker said, gesturing to one of the extra seats near him that rarely got used. "You must really enjoy saying goodbye to people."  
"Yeah, well..." Shepard scoffed. "I felt it would be a good gesture. Some of these people respect me," she said with a small smirk.  
"Please, you're a celebrity," Joker teased back. He finished the docking protocols and turned his chair to face her. "There's been a lot to handle lately. You... handling alright?" he asked, letting himself be serious for a moment. Shepard didn't meet his eyes and instead pretended to study the dashboard of ship information before her.  
"I think I'm doing fine," she told him honestly. "It's the same thing as always. Gotta do what's gotta be done."  
"Think there will ever be a time where nothing's gotta be done?" Joker asked.  
"I can't even imagine what that would be like," Shepard admitted quietly.

  
"Sure you can," Joker said, his tone becoming light again. "Somewhere tropical, beach house, reunion parties... maybe settle down with a turian with some scars." Shepard's head whipped around and she narrowed her eyes slightly at Joker, unsure how to respond. He looked exceptionally proud of himself for having illicited that reaction. Eventually Shepard just sighed and smiled, shaking her head.  
"Mordin sure is a chatterbox, huh?" she chuckled, turning her head straight again and reclining the seat a bit.  
"Doesn't matter, it's in your eyes," Joker told her. Shepard raised an eyebrow at him and he shrugged. "Vrolik's syndrome has made me sit and watch other people a lot. Well, when I'm not flying, anyway. After a while you can spot googly eyes from a mile away."  
"Googly eyes? Really? I don't think--"  
"It's in his eyes, too," Joker interrupted with a smirk.

  
Shepard didn't know what to say to that, but didn't have a chance to reply as the first few departing crew members were approaching. She shook their hands, thanked them, and wished them well. She found the moments to be more relieving than she expected. Some of them shared meaningful words with her, others simply exchanged a farewell. She had spent time with those who had been by her side on the battlefield on the way to the Citadel, late nights talking together individually and in groups. Most of the heaviest goodbyes had already been processed.

  
"Does everybody talk about me and Garrus?" Shepard asked Joker during a lull in the departures.  
"Nah, not really," he said, shrugging it off. "I mean I'm pretty sure nearly everybody knows about it, but as far as I know people don't spend time talking about it. Then again I hang out up here in the cockpit all alone and not in the crew deck where all the juicy gossip happens." Shepard narrowed her eyes.  
"How would you know what people talk about then?" she asked.  
"I have my ways and I'm not about to divulge them."  
"You tap security feeds?"  
"I can neither confirm nor deny this."  
"Or you have a mole."  
"No comment."  
"Right. All right then, when they do talk, what do they say?"  
Joker fidgeted and began to look a little uncomfortable.  
"Nothing that would surprise you, really... you know, you get along well, you work together well, you're unstoppable in the field I hear. And that you've gotten each other through a lot of crap. All the basics a good relationship needs, right?"  
Shepard nodded and looked down thoughtfully, but was interrupted by a few others coming to say their farewells. Most of the Cerberus crew was eager to move on, and while the battle-ready hired help didn't necessarily fear the Alliance, they had better things to be doing than sitting around waiting for their decision. Afterward she sat back down.

  
"He's leaving for Palaven to try and rally the troops there," Shepard said quietly.  
"I guess that makes sense... God knows we need the turians," Joker replied, but his tone was sympathetic. "We're gonna be a real skeleton crew."  
Shepard spent the next several hours in the cockpit, making sure she caught everyone who wanted a moment with her. It was rare for her and Joker to get long stretches of time chatting. She made a mental note to try and do it a little more often. Their conversation was unlike any other relationship and it was refreshing for her. After one of the last groups of crew she sighed heavily and spoke what had been on her mind for the last couple hours.  
"In a way this feels like dying all over again," Shepard said, rubbing at her forehead. "I'm losing so much of what's become familiar again. I know it's not starting all over, but there is a lot of new unknown."  
"Well, at least you know the Alliance isn't stupid enough to take me and the Normandy away from you," Joker said with a smile. "And if they court martial us all, you'll use your Spectre status to break us out, right?"  
Shepard chuckled and rolled her eyes. "Sure, Joker."

  
"Are you planning exciting adventures without me?"  
Shepard turned and Garrus was standing at the back of the cockpit. He was wearing his armor simply for convenience's sake and carried a large duffle bag (which Shepard knew was mostly weaponry) and a backpack. He had waited to be the last departing. She tried to smile but it felt broken.  
"Did you work out transport to Palaven?" she asked, attempting to be casual as she stood and approached him.  
"Yeah. My dad's even going to meet me at the spaceport. I've told him that I've got a lot to talk about," Garrus explained, rubbing the back of his neck. Shepard was especially conscious of Joker watching them with a subtle smirk but she tried to ignore it.  
"Good luck getting people to listen," she offered lamely, rubbing her arms.  
"Same to you," Garrus replied, sounding slightly more confident than she was. "You won't let anyone else move into the main battery while I'm gone, right?"  
"Of course not!" Shepard said, smiling a little more honestly. "I'm sure the thanix cannon will miss you," she added with a teasing smile. She heard Joker snort and rolled her eyes.

  
"At least communicating will be a lot easier this time since you're not dead," Garrus said. "Let me know as soon as you're in the air again, okay? I'll be there the moment you need me."  
"Yeah," Shepard mumbled with a nod. She felt unreasonably anxious about this whole thing, and wondered if all this separation was triggering some kind of PTSD response from when she got spaced. But there wasn't time to process it now.  
"Hey." Garrus drew her attention back to him, taking her hands in his and touching her forehead with his own. "It's going to be okay," he said softly.  
"Since when are you optimistic?" she challenged, but her smile was soft.  
"Since it became what I needed to say to you right now," Garrus replied easily.

  
"Psh, get a room," Joker teased, and finally turned his chair around so his back was to them. Shepard felt herself blush but Garrus's eyes gleamed mischievously. He leaned his mouth close to her ear.  
"Maybe when I get back I'll start storing an extra set of clothes up in your cabin," he purred. Shepard laughed, remembering his previous predicament, and tried to keep her smile even as he hoisted his bags up and stepped back towards the airlock.  
"See you," she said.  
"See you soon," Garrus replied. He gave a small, casual salute and headed out the door. Shepard sighed and went to sit back down in the cockpit, making sure to speak before giving Joker the chance to tease.

  
"EDI, is there anyone else who packed a bag still on board?" she asked.  
"No, Shepard."  
"We can't ship off yet, my packages haven't gotten here!" Joker protested.  
"Well when is it getting here?" Shepard asked. "Don't you know how to plan deliveries?"  
"I did! It said it'd be here an hour ago," Joker defended himself.  
"It appears a delivery is approaching the bay now," EDI announced.  
"I'll go get it for you," Shepard offered with a little exasperation, standing up. "You didn't order anything you can't carry, right?"  
"Wow, Commander Shepard delivery service. Hey, don't shoot the delivery guy! It's not that kind of mission!"  
"Ha, ha," Shepard joked and stepped off the Normandy to receive the delivery. A salarian was walking down the long pathway to the door and sped up when he saw her. He carried two medium boxes, a smaller box, and a white container that looked far too fancy for mail.

  
"Wow, I recognized the Normandy's name on my delivery sheet, but I can't believe it's actually Commander Shepard and THE Normandy!" he said excitedly. Shepard fought to be diplomatic but was so emotionally drained she found it difficult.  
"Yep," she said simply. The salarian handed her a data pad to sign for verification of receipt.  
"I have a human girlfriend on a small colony far from Citadel space. She's doing some research there while I work. I've been worried sick about her with all the Collector abductions, but thanks to you I don't have to worry anymore!"  
Shepard cringed and handed him back the data pad. "Listen, the Collectors won't be abducting humans anymore, but they were only the pawns of a much bigger enemy," she said, meeting the salarian's eyes. "If your relationship is serious, please find a way to be together as soon as possible."  
"Oh, no worries! She's only assigned there for another year," the salarian said cheerfully, handing her the boxes.

  
"Sooner than that," Shepard insisted, and it came out harsher than she meant for it to, causing the salarian to widen his eyes. She softened her tone and expression and added, "Just find a way." She pleaded with her eyes and eventually the salarian nodded.  
"I will," he told her.  
They thanked each other for entirely different reasons and Shepard went back into the Normandy.  
"You can just leave those up here, Commander," Joker said. "But can you hand me the little white one?" Shepard placed the boxes in the seat she had been sitting in all day and did as he requested, watching curiously as he opened it.  
"Sushi?" she exclaimed with one brow raised.   
"Uh, duh," Joker said. "We've been living off space food for a long time and who knows what the Alliance will feed us. Probably cafeteria food," he explained with disgust. "Ryuusei is the best sushi place on the Citadel and I was not missing the chance to get some of the good stuff." Shepard laughed.  
"Alright, just have EDI help pilot while you're eating it," she said, shaking her head and turning to leave the cockpit. "It's time to get Earth bound."  
"Aye aye Commander."


	3. Grounded

They had just gotten through the relay out of Citadel space and Shepard was in her cabin, trying to organize some of her things. She didn't know how much she'd be able to bring with her but also didn't know exactly what would happen to the things she left in her cabin. She didn't really have many personal items other than her model ships and those would be way too much hassle to try and take with her. She planned on making sure whoever confiscated the Normandy knew about the hamster and hoped he would be taken care of kindly. She was going through old emails and files at her terminal when she heard a voice outside her door.

  
"Joker delivery service!" She smirked and raised a brow, wondering what he was up to.  
"Come in," she said, and the door slid open as she turned in her seat. Joker hobbled over with one of the small boxes from the delivery. "What are you doing up here?" she asked.  
"Oh, just following your example and trying out the delivery service vocation. I think I'm a better pilot," he said, setting the box down in front of her.  
"I didn't order anything," Shepard said, studying the box.  
"It's got your name on it," Joker said with a shrug.  
"I guess it does..." Shepard found her name and the Normandy's details but didn't see any sender information. "Well, thanks Joker."  
"No problem," he said, turning to leave. "Don't open a bomb up here. Or take it into Alliance headquarters, either. I don't think they'd like that."

  
The door closed behind him and Shepard knew he was joking, but realized it may be a good idea for her to be careful.  
"EDI, can you scan this?" she asked, turning the box around in her hands carefully.  
"I already did," EDI replied. "It contains no hazardous or suspicious materials."  
"Thanks."  
She grabbed a small pocket knife and broke the seal then opened it up. Among the packaging material were two metal orbs about the size of her hand, one a perfect sphere and the other more oval. There was also a piece of paper with a typed note. She picked that up first.

  
_Shepard,_   
_I know you probably can't take the model ships with you to wherever you stay at Alliance HQ, but these you can. They're both my home, so in a way, you can take me with you too._   
_I know they're fragile but the case is tungsten. That'll keep them safe. I hope you like them._   
_Garrus_   
_P.S.: Liara helped me pick them out._

  
Shepard felt herself grinning. She couldn't remember the last time anyone had gotten her a gift.  
Well, she and Garrus got each other weapon mods, but they shuffled models and mods like a hobby. It was usually "hey, try this out" and some target practice where they took turns experimenting with various combinations.  
This gift was very different.  
She picked up the spherical one first and found the two halves opened with the help of a small hinge. She pried it open and her eyes widened.

  
Securely nestled in cushioning foam was a clear, crystal planet on a small platform that would allow it to stand on it's own. She pried it out gingerly and observed the great amount of detail put into it. The surface was smooth for water formations, but the continents' edges were clearly carved and the land masses had texture. It was incredibly accurate.  
The small platform had an inscription: Palaven.  
Shepard marveled at the craftsmanship for a while longer. She loved it. Then she remembered the other case and excitedly, but carefully, placed Palaven back in it's container, noting with appreciation that it didn't smudge from her fingers. She closed it and set it down, then picked up the oval shaped case. She gasped when she opened it.

  
Within that one, also surrounded with foam and gracefully positioned on a flat stand, was a model of the Normandy. She pulled it out and observed that it also had incredible amounts of detail. It had to be a custom job; the quality seemed too high for something that would be mass produced. She knew there were various Normandy models out there, but not like this. It was beautiful.  
She exhaled, delighted at the gifts and marveling that Garrus had made such a gesture. She read the note again, smiling, then returned the crystal Normandy to its case. She got up and carried the two containers to her duffle bag, placing them inside, then returned to her terminal. They'd be arriving at Earth soon.  
  
*****  
  
 _Hey Garrus,_  
 _Hopefully this makes it to you. I'm under constant guard but can access my terminal now, and I think they might let me wander the base soon. I've heard that getting these perks usually takes a lot longer, but time goes slow when you're basically in a comfy prison. Anderson and Hackett must really be advocating for me in the deliberations._  
 _When I get more freedom I can access some basic facilities close to headquarters. There's a little shopping mall that probably doesn't have much, and a gym that's bigger than the mall. I already made my statements, as much as they would allow, and now I just have to keep myself from going crazy._  
 _Anderson has assured me that Joker, Chakwas, and the other crew that stuck around are doing well, but also being closely watched. I guess we have a reputation._  
 _I have Palaven and mini Normandy on my desk next to my bed. Thank you for them. They're beautiful._  
 _How are things going with your dad and the hierarchy? Hope to hear from you soon._  
 _Shepard_  
 ****THIS MESSAGE AND ANY REPLIES MAY BE SUBJECT TO ALLIANCE SURVEILLANCE****

  
_Shepard,_   
_Sorry I haven't replied sooner. I'm glad to hear you're doing okay, and that you like the models. So far I've had better luck than anticipated in communication, but actual action is still yet to be seen..._   
_I've been spending a lot of time with my family and a few old friends. I found some connections to news groups and I'm hoping I can shake things up. If there was ever a time to be loud, it's now._   
_Now I know how exhausting the campaigning and politicking must be for you. I'm looking forward to when we can work side by side again. You're much better at this than I am._   
_Garrus_

  
_Garrus,_   
_It's hard to tell if our messages are even going through when they're sent. I got to visit with Chakwas recently and she said she'd sent me a message I never got. She's been officially released and is free unless they decide to station her somewhere. She's hoping they don't._   
_My guard is a marine that seems to have a good amount of heavy experience under his belt. I think he's spent some time idolizing me. When he's escorting me on base it's like he's trying to get me to 'relax, have some fun'. He's not a bad guy but far more than I want to deal with. He gives me space when I ask. He's not as bad as half the other guys at the gym..._   
_Anderson managed to let me have a call with my mom. She's not worried. She trusts the Alliance to figure it out. I do too. I'm just impatient. It was good to talk with her again. Maybe soon I can call you or Liara? Here's hoping._   
_Shepard_   
** **THIS MESSAGE AND ANY REPLIES MAY BE SUBJECT TO ALLIANCE SURVEILLANCE** **

  
_Shepard,_   
_A lot has happened. Too much to go into now. I've gotten the Primarch's attention and I suddenly find myself with new responsibilities. I don't know how soon you'll be reinstated but I may not be able to join you right away after all._   
_Which is too bad because it sounds like you could use me there with my arm over your shoulder, telling some people to back off..._   
_I'm glad you got to talk with your mom and Chakwas. I've gotten a couple messages from Liara and Tali but I am horrible at keeping in touch this way._   
_Can you tell?_   
_Unfortunately I'm only getting busier. If you get a chance to call I hope I catch it._   
_Garrus_

  
_Garrus,_   
_I'm hoping your new responsibilities involve some serious preparations..._   
_It's been months and I'm so out of the loop. I don't know anything about what the Alliance is doing. Anderson keeps telling me he's hopeful. Hackett doesn't say as much._   
_They've begun psychological evaluations on me. Three days a week I'm meeting with some expert. I think they're just trying to make sure I'm mentally sound. They haven't really done official check ups on me since I died and came back._   
_They keep asking about that. I don't like talking about it. I don't know if it's that or the time passing that is making me more anxious lately..._   
_I thought I saw Kaiden at the gym the other day. I didn't get a good look, but I wouldn't be surprised if he's here somewhere. I've been going less and less. I asked if I could have some workout equipment in my room instead. Vega (that's my babysitter) delivered two 20 lb dumbbells that are practically useless, but that's all I'm allowed to have apparently. He said he could double for workout equipment and I've been ignoring it. There's so little to do, I need a new hobby..._   
_You still promise to be there when I need you, right...?_   
_Shepard_   
** **THIS MESSAGE AND ANY REPLIES MAY BE SUBJECT TO ALLIANCE SURVEILLANCE** **

  
_Shepard,_   
_I know what you mean about getting anxious. I can feel it too._   
_(Or maybe it's just the thought of someone offering to be your personal gym...)_   
_In all seriousness (I was also being serious before) it's almost worse to now be thinking of how the turians can actually prepare. How do you know when you've done enough to be ready for the Reapers? Is that even possible?_   
_Most of the hierarchy thinks we may do all this preparation for nothing and then be wasting resources. This sounds awful, like I'm wishing for war and I'm not, but it certainly is easier for me to aim and shoot than to anticipate._   
_They're still keeping me very busy here on Palaven. I'm not sure what this position will mean for my future. It feels backwards, you not yet reinstated and me with an official position. I think I prefer being your vigilante sidekick._   
_Hang in there._   
_Garrus_

  
_Garrus,_   
_Things are buzzing here. I've been getting headaches. I think everyone else can feel it, too._   
_I don't know when but some time ago Hackett left Earth. Joker visited me today, announcing that he'd been reinstated to the Normandy, even though it's not doing anything yet. He's actually been there a lot, working with a retrofitting team, but this is the first chance he's had to tell me about it, and now it's official._   
_I gave him my favorite hoodie, Palaven, and the mini Normandy to take back to my cabin. I'm hoping all this movement is a sign of decisions being made._   
_Stay safe._   
_Shepard_   
** **THIS MESSAGE AND ANY REPLIES MAY BE SUBJECT TO ALLIANCE SURVEILLANCE** **


End file.
